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A letter to my father

  • Carlo A. Wood
  • Jun 10, 2015
  • 2 min read

Dear Derek,

I’m writing you this letter from a place in my heart that is content. Sympathetic. Calm. Confused. And hurt.

I’ve re-written this begining a million and one times, because I’m just not sure what are the most important questions that I want answered. I’m not sure what excuses I want to hear. I’m not even sure if I want to know what are the things that made you into the man you are or who that man actually is. Nevertheless, I’m writing you now, so please, just listen.

I don’t intend to beat a dead horse, but your lack of presence has hurt me. It’s hurt society by adding another statistic of a fatherless BLACK man. I jokingly say that your absence as a father figure has attributed to me being gay with somewhat of a sassy attitude. There’s something about a father holding his son...I wasn’t held or cared for by a man as a child, just a distant mother trying to make it. Because you weren’t there, I still can’t seem to find the warmth in my childhood. I forgive you. I THINK.

Derek.png

I have this weird thing where I can’t drive. I’m twenty and can’t drive. Is that ridiculous?! Part of it is simply never having had the opportunity. But another part is that I wish you were here to teach me. I guess it will be another milestone where a woman teaches me. Nothing is wrong with that I guess, but it would be nice if….

I’m doing pretty good in school, and life, and all that jazz. But sometimes, I just wish I had my “real” family to share it with. Ya know? I really don’t like the idea of a “family” these days. Between the family who adopted me and my foster family, it will never be the same. Coming out will never be the same. My first band concert. Being tucked in at night. Family dinners. Getting accepted to GW. Seeing me off to Australia. None of it will ever be the same…

As I wipe away my tears, I thank you. You’ve shown me what not to do. I hope that isn’t too mean to say. “Honor thy father and thy mother,” right? I wish you could see how hard I’ve work to make our family namesake worth something. I wish you could be proud to call me your son. I wish I could be proud to call you my dad. Make a change for the better, Derek...before it’s too late...for us both.

Your son, Carlo

 
 
 

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